Job Hunting

 

This is what I feel like when I go job hunting. I have been on the hunt since February. Let me tell you, it is not easy. I get either “you are too qualified” or “you do not have enough experience in this field”. I have experience and an education but the job is my area of expertise are hard to get.

I applied at Pizza Hut recently. It was for a delivery driver position (yes I am desperate) and it was an online application which I hate with a passion. I want to see them face to face, let them get to know me and not what is on paper, anyway, I get an email back saying “you are not qualified for this position”..WHAT????? I have a car, I can drive, what else do I need?

Yesterday I had an interview for a job I really want. I hope I get a call back. It is decent money and benefits. I just need part time while I am in graduate school. I know that I can’t work full time, go to graduate school, and babysit for my daughter all at the same time. I am a realist. I have a second interview today at a different company. I am hoping that I can get hired on there. By the way I have to say that my wonderful honey is so supportive. He is always encouraging me and sends me little texts like” way to go” ,” you can do it” and my favorite “knock them dead” If I haven’t said how much I appreciate them I am saying it now so thank you..

Well I will keep you all posted on what comes up. I must say this blog thing is pretty great. Even if I may be talking to myself.

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Forbidden love

I see you in my dreams at night

Holding me close to your heart

Our shadows reflected by the moonlight

The kiss on our lips never to part

You wrap your arms around me

as wind blows through my hair

Then I realized it was just a dream

because when I wake up  you are not there

My love for you is forever

but forever it will be hidden

It’s a shame that two souls so perfect together

in societies eyes are so much forbidden

Family

My heart aches so badly today. It seems family can hurt you more than anyone. Family can be loving and supportive but they can also be judgmental and controlling. You are committed to listen to their opinions but you can’t let them make you feel like less a person. Family situations can be abusive and I guess that’s why I am not close to mine. I guess you have to take the good with the bad in these situations. Family means everything to me. My family is not very close knit. We just do our own thing. I don’t like it that way, and I have tried to change it, but change has to come from both sides. Family is the ones you call in times of trouble, family is there to take you in when you need help. There are no questions asked because they know you would and have done the same for them. It is sad when you can’t count on your family.

I am envious of my friend, we will call him Harvey. Every year at Thanksgiving, Harvey’s whole family; mom, dad, brother, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, even cousins twice removed, meet at one big hall and eat a traditional dinner. Of course, he comes back stuffed full of turkey, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole and pie (I know you don’t stick to all low carbs on this day so don’t try to fool anyone). He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have family that want to be together. When you don’t have family, when you are sitting to Thanksgiving by yourself, you start to realize, hey maybe having to drink a shot or two of tequila before you go over to your crazy aunts house isn’t that bad after all.

I long for a close family. When I get remarried. Yes I will get remarried someday. I hope my future husbands family is like my friends, and I hope they welcome me in with open arms and give me what I feel like I have been missing in my life.

Never Happy

I know several people that no matter what they have in their life or what they do, they are never happy. I have a really close friend that has a great husband, who thinks she is the world, and still she is not completely happy. She is always longing for more, especially the opposite sex. I sit there in awe and not the good kind of awe either. What drives a person to never be satisfied? There are areas in my life where I am never satisfied. I could always use more money, who couldn’t (well maybe Bill Gates)? I am never satisfied in my pursuit of God. I search and search for more of Him. I am never satisfied with the amount of friends I have, I can always have more. I am never satisfied with staying at the status quo in my life, I want to continue to be a better person in my work and everyday life. These disatisfications in life I think are normal.
Gratefully I have found a wonderful man to share my life with. He is all I want. This has not always been the case with the men in my life, but I think when you find that one God has truely meant you to be with, you just have no desire to be with another. This brings me back to my original delimea, what is missing?

As a future counselor, I have to look at what factors might cause people to be like this. For me it was attention. As a plus size woman I always was lead to believe by my family that mens acceptence is what defines who you are. All my family was pretty, little, pale, petite blondes. Then there was me; tall, fluffy (love that term), olive skin, and brunette. I never really fit in, so I looked for acceptence in th e attention in men. I moved from one man to the next, from one relationship to the next until the present. I see women do this all the time. These are the girls that have been married 3 or 4 times, never happy. Maybe these people (I say people because it is not just women) had a traumatic episode in their past that has made it difficult for them to really trust. I would like to get them in an therapy setting and see whats on their mind. Whatever it is, there are reasons as to why they cannot be happy with what they got. In the end someone will always get hurt. But, I guess that is part of life.

Home

We have always heard home is where the heart is, but what if your heart is in two places? I grew up in a small Southeast Missouri town. Life is simple there but life there is very close-minded. I needed to expand my horizons see diverse cultures and gain new experiences. So I packed up and moved to the north (yes I crossed the mason dixon line, something I swore as a teen I would never do). Kansas City is about six hours away but seems like oceans apart. So now after almost two years I am divided between my love for the fast paced city with all the cool stuff like art shows, museums, night life, and of course sports (Go Jayhawks!!) and my love of hunting, fishing, and the beauty that the ozarks provide and of course all my family and lifelong friends.

So how would I describe myself? I would say I am a redneck city dweller with a country twang that can whip up an Italian meal or make you homemade buscuits and gravy… Not bad for a girl from Poplar Bluff….